The REAL Marauders
by Twice DeFun
Summary: Wanna see how it REALLY was with James' Gang? Funny! Check it out! Please R/R
1. The Nicknames

Title:The REAL Marauders  
  
Summary: Let's Take a look at how it REALLY was back then...not exactly what you may expect...   
  
Disclaimer: I own (None)  
  
Warning: ALOT OF CURSING! You have been warned...  
~~~  
Okay, this takes place at 11 O'clock at night in the G. Common Room back when James and the whole gang were around. Enjoy!  
  
P.S. I really don't like any of the story's that involve only James and the Gang, so this is sort of a 'parody' of them.   
  
*****  
Sirius: *said slowly* Guesss whhhaaattt eeevvvrrryboodyyy?  
  
Remus, James, Peter: What?  
  
Sirius: III cannn tuuurn intooo a doooog.  
  
James and Peter: yeah, we know.  
  
Remus: Hey I think we should all give eachother lame ass nicknames.   
  
Peter: *stutters* w..w...why?  
  
James: Because he said so damnit!  
  
Peter: Y..y..y..yes massster.  
  
Remus: Go make me some puddin' damnit!  
  
Peter: Whatevver you say *starts kissing Remus's shoes*  
  
Remus: Damnit! I told you to get me some puddin'. Do it NOW!   
  
*Turns into a rat and runs away with his tail tucked in between his legs*  
  
Sirus: I thhhhouught onnly dooogs doo thaatt.  
  
James: Damnit Sirius, can't you keep yourself quiet!  
  
Sirius: I haven'tt saaaaid muuch  
  
James: Whatever, bitch  
  
Remus: At least my bitch is obediant.  
  
Sirius: I caan beee a biiiitccchhh toooooo! *turns into a bitch*  
  
James: Not NOW DAMNIT!  
  
*Sirius turns back into human self*  
  
Remus: now, back to those lame ass nicknames.  
  
James: Let's call Sirius "The Stupid Bitch"  
  
Sirius: Nooo guuuysss!!  
  
Remus: You keep quiet damnit!  
  
James: Naw... how about we call Sirius... hmmm...  
  
Remus: Bitch-ass!  
  
James: I love that name!  
  
Bitch-Ass: Nooo! I haaaattte ittt! Stopppp beeeinnggg soooo meeeean!  
  
James: I said shut up! *punches Sirius in the face, blood starts to come out of his nose*  
  
Remus: Ha HA! That was a good one. *Gives James a 'high five'*  
  
*suddenly, Peter comes back with some puddin'*  
  
Peter: H..h..here you go master *places before Remus's 10 bowls of puddin'*  
  
Remus: Thanks, Dumbass *kicks Peter in the face*  
  
James: HA HA!  
  
Bitch-Ass: Heeyy I likkeee hisss naaamee bettterrr!  
  
Remus: I agree with James... can't you learn like Dumbass to be quiet? DON'T SPEAK! It takes you   
a freakin' hour to say something. If you were ever to read us an essay, we would be dead by the time you were done  
with it. Now for Ass's sake... SHUT THE HELL UP!  
  
Bitch-Ass: I maayyy beee slooow in taaaalkkking... buttt at leaaaast I'm nottt TINY-ASSED!  
  
James: Tiny-Ass, that's a good one! HA HA!  
  
Tiny-Ass: Shut up, Wise-Ass.  
  
Wise-Ass: Make me!  
  
*Wise-Ass and Tiny-Ass get up and start punching eachother*  
  
Reader-with-something-shoved-his/her-ass: Man this story sucks ass!  
  
Author: Then stop reading the damn thing! *Throws shit at the Reader with something shoved up his/her's ass*  
  
Dumbass: please m...m...masters! Stop fighting! I will do any..any...anything for you to stop!  
  
*Wise-Ass and Tiny-Ass give eachother evil look and nod*  
  
Wise-Ass: Go have sex with Snape...  
  
Tiny-Ass: ...Malfroy, Crabbe, and Goyle...  
  
Dumbass: *struck with horror* n..n..no! PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THAT!  
  
Wise-Ass: Fine... umm... go.. uh... Tiny-Ass, help me out  
  
Tiny-Ass: I don't get why he is such a big baby.  
  
Wise-Ass: That's it! Let's do 'The Fass' on him!  
  
(A/N: The Fass is a cradle with spikes on the inside. The victim would then be rocked inside the cradle)  
  
Tiny-Ass: To the WHOMPING WILLOW!  
  
*Wise-Ass and Tiny-Ass carry Dumbass away to the Whomping Willow*  
  
Dumbass: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Bitch-Ass: Heeeerreee I ammmm allll alooooooooneeee!  
  
Reader: Well, duh! Thanks for stating the obvious.  
  
(A/N: since Sirius is alone, his name becomes Sirius again)  
  
Narrator: Suddenly the portal door opens and a tall figure enters.  
  
Unknown Figure: Hello Sirius! I can't keep my mind off of you!  
  
Sirius: Whoooo isss thaaaattt? Goooo awaaaaayyy!  
  
Unknown Figure: It is me, your headmaster. I want you Sirius I really do!  
  
Sirius: Gooo awaay! I toooolldd youuuu weee werrree throooooughh!  
  
Dumbledore: You didn't tell that to my friend, Mr. Dope did you?  
  
Sirius: Daammmniitt! Fiiiineee thiiis isss thhheee lassst timeeee... buttt teeeellll Mrrrr. Doooppee... thisss iiss ittt!  
  
  
To Be continued.... (dun dun dunnnnnn)   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
Author: Wasn't that funny/stupid/bad? I can't believe I wrote that!  
I don't know if I can do something as great as that again... *wipes tears away* ~PHEW!~  
  
Please Review! I thrive off of them, they alone are the things keeping me alive.   
  
Oh wait, I think alot of people want me dead *ducks shoe thrown* Adios! 


	2. Dumbledore info and a big Suprise!

Okay people! Second chapter! Under no demand, I made another one! Ya!!  
  
  
***   
  
Author: We come again to find Sirius, Dumbledore, and there new found friend, Mr. Dope (who turns out to be a hand puppet) Having sweet, crazy, animals sex.  
  
Sirius: Duuuuuuumbbbbbbledddddddoooooooree, yooooou haaaaavee beeeeen praaacticiiinngg haaaven'ttt you?  
  
Dumbledore: Yes, but of course, with my friend, Mr. Dope!  
  
Sirius: Buuuuttt, Mr. Dooooooppeee, is aaaa puppppettt on yooour handdddd, you meeeaaannn, thatttt... ewwwwwwwwwww!  
  
Dumbledore: yeah, well, must be going now! Tootles! *Heads for the door way when James, Remus, and Peter come back in*)  
  
James: Dumbledore.  
  
Dumbledore: James.  
  
Remus: Dumbledore.  
  
Dumbledore: Remus.  
  
*Awkward silence*  
  
Dumbledore: Well, as I said before, off be going now, I hope to be seeing you boys soon again, eh? *Winks seductively*  
  
James and Remus: *smiles back* Damn straight!  
  
*Dumbledore exits the room*  
  
Sirius: Heeeeeeeyyyy guuuuysss, whheeeree is Peeeeeterrrrr?   
  
James: Oh, jammed in-between the do.... *Pauses* Where the fuck are your clothes, Sirius?  
  
*Remus then too looks at Sirius, only to find him naked on the floor, VERY sweaty*  
  
Remus: Damn Sirius! You didn't go have sex with Dumbledore, AGAIN did you?!  
  
Sirius: Noooooo, oofff couuursseee nottt! *Pauses* Weeeelll, nott juuuusttt onnnlllyyy hiiiimmm...  
  
*Peter then, crawls his mangled body up to Sirius and says weakly*   
  
Peter: Mr. Dope too, right?  
  
James: YOU TOO PETER!? That is nasty!  
  
Peter: *says in a whisper* Hey, I saw you two go at it, like two rabbits, just a week ago!   
  
James: *silent*   
  
Remus: HA HA!   
  
Peter: You too Remus, before we found out you were a Werewolf, I saw Dumbledore and you humping each other!  
  
Remus: *says quietly* Well, I was young, I was experimenting new things...  
  
Sirius: Waaaiiittt, noowww leeettt meeee geeeettt thiiiissss riiiighhttt, eeevverryyone hasss hadd seeex witthhh Dumbleedooore innnn onneee waaayyy orrr annotthhere heeeree?  
  
Peter, James and Remus: *meekly* yes...  
  
*Sirius starts laughing his ass off*   
  
Sirius: annnddd I thouuuughhttt I waaasss straaaannngeee!  
  
James: Shut up Bitch-ass  
  
Remus: Ya really, and get some freakin' clothes on while you are at it.  
  
Sirius: *still laughing like crazy* aiiiighhttt!   
  
*Sirius leaves to go to him room, meanwhile, everyone else is silent in the common room*  
  
Peter: *moan* Can you please get me some bandages, I am bleeding everywhere guys!  
  
James: Wait just a moment, before we did the fass on you, were you bleeding at all anywhere else?  
  
Peter: *says quickly AND defensively* NO!  
  
Remus: yeah, I do recall, it was he was bleeding somewhere in the GROIN area...  
  
James: Yeah! Hey Peter, have you gone through puberty yet?  
  
Peter: Yeah! Of course I have!!!  
  
Remus: Hmmm, why is your voice still so squeaky then too?  
  
James: And remember, when we were told where our room's were, he was put in the girls room... and then later demanded to be put in the boy's room!  
  
Remus: Yeah I remember that!  
  
Peter: *looks nervesly* I s..s...simple m..m...m..mistake, th...th...th..that is, a-l-l--l g..g..guys!  
  
*Remus and James then stare into each others eyes and nod *  
  
James: GET HIM!   
  
*Remus then pins Peter down and James pulls down his pants*  
  
James: what the Fuck is that?  
  
Author: and Before James and Remus's eyes was an... It. It was too small to be a Wang, yet to big to be a Wong... yet blood and sperm was coming out of it. Peter, was an IT!  
  
Peter: Yes, I'm half-and-half. Also, I'm pregnant.  
  
***  
  
Who is the father? Who is the mother? Is he the mother and the father? How did this happen? Will Sirius EVER come back down? Tune in next chapter to find out! Until then...  
Review Review Review!!! Good-bye folks! 


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